Infidel images.

On an awry day of September, coming back from what you can call an “exercise to go back in time”, I was inducted into the program after working for more than 5 months in it.
Not necessarily, things are always waste of time and efforts.
Sometimes, it is important to look back at you from today and knowing what kind of a person you were on a given date/time/situation in the past. I had to become familiarize the heckler to the work I was doing. It was an odd battle between the nastiest of hecklers around the world and me.
He asked me ‘are you lying’? To my consternation, I had no choice but to lie, I said “No”.
What are the things you want in life? It can’t be any vaguer than this, and I replied as vaguely as possible. Satisfaction from what I am doing is all that I want.
Even before he could ask me, “how”, I got the ball in court and asked- what are the ways through which I can derive satisfaction from what I am doing.
Malevolence couldn’t come any harsher than this- he said, you are the biggest wastage of time in the whole world. You don’t even know what you are doing, what kind of a person you are, what are the things that you want from life. Well, a pause, and he was all over me and I was helpless to death.
Okay, I got my answers. I want death from life. And by killing it, I will derive satisfaction from life. And that is what I am trying to do.
That was one of the scariest of answers I have ever made, on the other hand, the most beautiful answer of my life, so far.
I want death of an air of social discrimination. Not by a person of another, but to me social discrimination starts from a person and ends at her/him.
I don’t know what my needs are, thanks to a monetary society that taught me ways to count my cash flow, ways to earn money, spend it, and analyze the cost of living! To compensate for something I was extravagant on, I have credit cards in my pocket and to pay the bills of my internet connection, I pay a small part of my salary. Irony stays put, I don’t know if I have to spend time or money on something I like in the world. I spend money on it and it frustrates me. I spend time on it, and veer off to do something else. I discriminate among my needs. I murder some of my needs and settle for the next best. It jolts me enough to cover my cornea with a fine sheet of social discrimination that I will spread like a disease to my kiths, my family, my friends, my colleagues, my work, my world.
I, having wasted some of my most precious time constructing passionate dreams for something that I didn’t like- going for a PhD, that I hated the most, can tell you what it means to do something that you don’t like and what are the paltry benefits that you settle for.
Life’s ugliest moments come unfolding in front of me and attached are the ways I killed them. Though the ways weren’t the smartest, I did that by my own. To exist in the world, to make a false smile sometimes, to drop a dishonest tear, I lied many a times. Then, I wasted time on covering the untruth.
I don’t how long I will go like this or find any other way to veer off to. How much I will be able to gain from life. Do we have to necessarily gain something, know something? Can’t we just live and let live? Can we not play a stupid game of wants and needs and ways to make them fulfilled? Can’t we forget intelligent ways to make WMDs, can’t we just forget complexity and learn only basic math? Can’t we un-bribe our souls, not asking them to settle for something they don’t want? Can we not ask about anything as vague as life, death, satisfaction, happiness, grief, passion, failure, success, love, empathy, and novelty? Can’t we stop questioning? Can I not ask the honesty of an effort, but see what it does?
I want death of all the questions; I am killing them one at a time, and deriving satisfaction from it. I am going successful, but surely I am not living, because at the long battle between me and what apparently was my sub-conscious mind (the nastiest heckler), I wanted to do something else.
Though the heckler was now silent and not asking anything more about life, I know it for sure, some odd day in October, he will bounce back with a fleet of questions.
May be the next time he will kill me.
B